Herr lipp TOURS


see Englant by the back passages


































Herr Lipp and Justin



(Hi, welcome to England).


I am happy to enjoy you to this exchange visit to the lovely town of Royston Vasey, which is going to be a real good treat for all of us. The purpose of this pomplet is to procure you with an infantry of all the exciting activities we have planned for you, and to give you a lick of what understatement, then wave your pink pomplet in the atmosphere and I will happily take you in my German mouth! Alles klar? Gut, alles klar.


The first thing you will notice of Royston Vasey is the sign "Welcome to Royston Vasey". You will see that she is a town and that she is twinned in Germany with Duisburg. This engagement dates back to 1977 when both towns came equal-last in the Swiss edition of Jeux Sans Frontieres. I myself was a member of the Duisburg assembly, my task being to wet the Chefs and pull them off. It was very slimy, but a real good treat. So the marriage was born, and since then we have welcomed each other on exchange almost manually, if not bi.






The coach will leave the Schule at 08:15, stopping ONLY ONCE at the Hundkino for kinder from the Schwanmühleweg. From thence the drive will pass down into Holland via Aachen, then across into France, picking up the hovercraft at Dieppe which will transfer you to Dover by 03:40 UK time. This is where I will meet you, having taken the plane direct. If you have any problems, Big Helmut should point you in the right direction.


We arrive in the lovely town of Royston Vasey in time to make our own tour, before meeting the kinder from St. Mark's. It is important that you beware the differencist in culture that England will offer you. English toilets are much dissimilar to our German ones. If you have never attended an English toilet before, there are a few surprises in them I must tell you of. Per example, there is no shelf for the examinations! But the pee wee us the same as you. Alles klar.

When we arrive at St. Mark's, you must mate with your palpens and start admiring them. Helmut and I still empty the luggage, which you must collect before you expire: I DO NOT WANT TO BE LEFT HOLDING SOME BOY'S SACK. I will be staying with the English teacher Bobby Smart, and I will want to get my head down as soon as possible.

So settle in and gut schlafen!


After a typical 'full English breakfast' (eggs, sausages, cauliflowers, tomatoe juice, plum jam, milk und toadstools) we will recommence at the Schule and take a trip to Royston Vasey Heritage. This is a museum into which all of Royston Vasey can be assumed. The technologies of this museum are enough to wet your lips, as special lights and sound effect transport us back in time, from the Middle Ages up to today. You and your partner can see some manniquins in fancy dress as a lute plays on tape and a man's voice shouts through 800 years of history. A real good treat, hmmm?

The afternoon is free for private activities - I have some in mind for myself - then we should congratulate at Flick Flacks, where a disco will be in operation untill 10 o'clock, so get frigging!


The trip to the Roundabout Zoo has had to have been cancelled, due to all the animals having disappeared.

Day 5

I will be leading tramp into the fields and hoping to top myself at Peggy Mount, which is the tallest hill in Royston Vasey (last one up is a queen!). After some comely photo-opportunities, I will be making love to the boys by offering traditional English games to sample, such as British Bullfrogs and Blind Man's Puff. I have played with boys for many years now und each of them says this is amongst the highlife of the exchange.

(I should explain. British Bullfrogs is an English version of our Küssfang, where the boys must run at each other without being held. If you do catch a boy, then his mate must kiss your lips to escape him. In Blind Man's Puff, I will be the Puff and you must blind my eyes. Then I shall creep amongst you and try to catch somebody. When I have him, I must feel who you are and name the name of my captain. Per example.... Dieter! Then Dieter becomes the Puff und so weiter, und so weiter.)





Act the goat

To be silly, or worship the devil

Bummers are deaf 

New expression. I have not heard it


A real good treat

Down in the dumps

To have diarrhoea (Durchfall)


A toy for fat ladies with short hair


A disco dance where the fingers are bent like tiny hocks

Get stuffed/get stood on

Expressions of woe


A goal in cricket

In yer face

Safe sex

Jumble sale

Chain of fashion stores for hobos


A queen's boyfriend (the stone)


A German cake (not as nice as Duisburg cake)

Making hay

Obscene word for sexual interplay

No way, Jose!


Oxo family 

Similar to our Familie Soße, but the daughter is fat with round glasses

Piss off 

To finish the last drip-drops from your toilet (the pee wee is the same as you, remember)


A ladyking (sponge)

Red rag to a bull

A lesbian's monthly (not a magzine)


A bad man who walks on grass



Up 'n' under

A lesbian's monthly (a magazine)

Vegan cafÈ

A smelly room full of people with bad breath


One who makes his own hay


A film which may feature a circlejerk (Kreisruck)


Kein Weg, Walter!


We are bored with these phrases Herr Lipp, let's play games now. OK boys. You win!






 Textquelle/Source: A Local Book For Local People - League of Gentlemen (published by Fourth Estate)