Scripts and Legz  Akimbo Theatre Company © TLoG

"This is Johnny, he has no friends or legs"

"Why do you hate me so much?  I’m no different to you.  I’m stronger than Superman in my own way."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How can you be Superman?! You can’t even walk, never mind fly!"

You’re supposed to freeze there.

Yeah.

You didn’t do it.

I just did.

What is it?

"But I’m flying in…"

“But I’m flying in here. I can do anything I want in here. Go… anywhere. Be… anyone. My heart isn’t disabled, and you can’t take that away from me. Who says that I can’t reach... for the stars?!”

Dave, do you think the stick of ignorance should be yellow?

I don’t know.

I just think it might help clarify the character, you know, the whole yellow belly coward thing...

Yeah, whatever.

What about my character?

It’s good, but I’m finding it hard not to hate you.  It’s all a bit preacher at the moment.  Maybe if you added a stutter or a twitch or something, might help you be a bit more sympathetic.

Oh, so being paraplegic isn’t quite enough?

Phil, the play isn’t just about paraplegics. There are all kinds of handicapped. That’s why it’s called "Vegetable Soup"

I still don’t think that’s right.

Fine, I’ll change it back to ‘Joey and the Wheelies’. Now, listen guys, I had some more thoughts about this extended improv...

D’ahhh, no!!

I’m not doing that, Ollie.

What?

Pretending to be disabled all afternoon. I told you, I’ve gotta meet my friend for lunch.

That’s the whole point of the exercise, Phil. Real disabled people can’t just meet each other for lunch, can they?

Yeah.

Why do we even have to do the exercise?

Stanislaski? Method acting? What’s your emotional memory of someone else wiping your bum?

Oh, don’t ask him that.

Look, if we’re gonna understand these characters, we have to get under their skins. Just be grateful we’re not doing my play about eczema.

What was that called again?

“Scratch Patch”.

Oh yeah.

Oh, what do we have to do then?

Okay, so you, Phil, are going to have -er- polio... and you Dave, are going to be deafblind.

What?

Deafblind – it’s all one word. It means you’re deaf, and you’re blind

 Well, why can’t Phil be deafblind?

‘Cause I’ve got polio.

Well, I’ll have polio then, I’m not bothered.

Right, that’s it, you’ve just lost your tongue!

What?!

You’re mute as well, how d’you like that?

Oh, come on, Ollie...

And you can make a start by doing the getting. In character, please. And make sure he doesn’t speak. You’ve got to find other ways of communicating now, Dave.

Right, here we are then, three disabled people in a world which is geared toward the able-bodied.

There’s nothing wrong with you, what’s your disability?

I’ve got ME, I’m really tired? So, what I’m gonna do is take a look at the positive aspects of disability. There may not be any, I don’t know. But as far as I can tell, there’s a lot of negative connotations. dis-abled, Down’s Syndrome, why can’t it be Up’s Syndrome?

Because it was discovered by John Langdon Down in the late 19th Century.

Yeah, well he’s done a lot of damage. So the first part of the exercise is to see how well we cope with every day situations such as shopping. Dave, you can’t see, you can’t speak, you can’t hear, go in there and buy yourself a cream cake.

So, what, you want me to bump into a few things and make a total dick of myself?

Partly, yes. Now just go with the flow, Dave, stop blocking the improv.

Are you not taking me in?

Too much hassle.

Can I help you, love?

Oh, yes please, I’d like...

He can’t hear you.

Eh?

He can’t hear you, he’s deafblind, it’s all one word.

OK, Leslie, have you got them Braille menus?

Whoa, don’t help him, I want him to struggle. He’s gotta come in for a cream cake and leave with a... a sausage roll, that type of thing.

So he wants a cream cake, then?

I don’t know, he might do, he can’t speak!

Well he can point at it.

No... this wouldn’t happen, what are you pointing at?

Cake.

How do you know? How do you know what a cake is, even? You could be pointing at a brick, or a hat, or something.

Because this is a cake shop.

Er, s’cuse me, is there anyone here with the, er, bloke in the wheelchair?

Yes, I am.

He’s, er, he’s just fallen on to the pavement.

He’s all right, just leave him.

Nah, he don’t look all right.

Stay there, you! And don’t you sell him anything. Get out the way.

Cream cake, love?

Yes please.

Phil, on your feet.

Fallen.

What?

Fallen on the floor!

Talk properly! He’s only just started doing this.

Here, look, if you give me a hand to pick him up…

No, leave him, he’s only acting.

Well, he’s a bloody good actor, innhe?

He’s not. Get up!

Ow!

This isn’t your exercise, Phil, it’s Dave’s.

What’s happening?

Oh, what you doin’? Give me that cake!

Cake!

Is he all right?

Yes, he’s fallen out of his wheelchair and he won’t get up.

Help me!

No, you can stay there all day as far as I’m concerned, I’m sick of pushing you on that thing anyway.

Wait, you ain’t gonna leave him?

He can walk, you idiot!

You are not leavin’ him.

Listen, pal, unless you’ve read “The Use of Improvisation” by John Hoshen, I suggest you can keep your fat, broken nose out of it.

Ollie, why did you say that?

I don’t know.

He-ey! Go on my son!