Characters and  Legz  Akimbo Theatre Company © TLoG

  OLLIE:

Hi and welcome. We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company... excuse me! There's someone talking up here, so shut up and listen two what I have to say. Right... as I said before, we are... Oh for crying out loud!!! If you don't stop talking I will sellotape your mouth and gonna sit you down here right on stage so that everyone can take a really good look at you. What about this? Quiet now, eh? Well, I'll start from the beginning then.. We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company and you may remember us from our last play we did a couple of months ago called "Everybody Out". We are here today to present you the premiere of MY new play "Heroes in Helmets", a play about homosexuality in the army. My name is still Oliver Plimsolls by the way and teaming up with me:

  PHIL:

Phil and

  DAVE:

Dave

  OLLIE:

The few clever ones of you might remember that Phil was about to leave Legz Akimbo Theatre Company, but it didn’t work out, did it?

  PHIL:

No!!! Thanks to YOU, Ollie!!!

  OLLIE:

It' not my fault that my wife's lover is Paul Alexander's beloved sister...

  PHIL:

Yes, but at least you didn't have to tell HIM about it. Do you?

  OLLIE:

Shove off..

  PHIL:

Right, I will then.

  DAVE:

Phil, c’mon.. you could have worse than Ollie

  PHIL:

Worse than him? I can't even imagine in my wildest dreams someone with such a bad behavior.

  DAVE:

Could we please talk about THIS later?

  PHIL:

Okay

  OLLIE:

If we must.

  DAVE:

OLLIE!!

  OLLIE: 

All right. Let's talk about it later. .......    You are now to enter the real army's world. 

PHIL:

Wow... what's this? My hamster has more space in his cage than we've got in our accommodation.

DAVE:

You hit the nail on the head. Welcome to our humble home. I'm Jason by the way.

PHIL:

I'm Johnny and I take a wild guess which one is my bed.

OLLIE:

Good point, Johnny. If you believe it or not my name's Johnny, too. Well, I suppose that you all should stick to John to make it a little bit easier.

PHIL:

Cool, so what's up?

DAVE:

Guess we'll spend a lot of time together in the future.

OLLIE:

You're not wrong there.

PHIL:

Can I ask a dumb question?

OLLIE:

Better than anyone I know.

PHIL:

Come on John, I'm not THAT bad.

OLLIE:

Sorry, just couldn't resist on that one.

PHIL:

Is this your first time in the army? I've never joined before.

DAVE:

 Yeah. I'm so nervous; I could eat all of my sweets at once.

PHIL:

Do you always eat sweets when you’re nervous or in the dumps? If I would do it... well, I had to sleep in two of those tiny beds.

DAVE:

Thankfully not, but I'm in such a state now.

OLLIE:

England?!??

PHIL:

John!! Is there a slight chance that we can talk properly?

OLLIE:

Do we have to? You see, the next weeks will be boring enough, so why not lighten it up a bit?

DAVE:

Hey John, it somehow sounds that you are not very pleased being in the army.

OLLIE:

No, not really.

DAVE:

So... why are you here then?

OLLIE:

My friend's gone and I've never learnt anything. So I said: why not?

PHIL:

I'm sorry to hear about your friend..

OLLIE:

Just left me...

PHIL:

Oh, I see.

OLLIE:

Gosh, I'm bored already. Why don't we play hide & seek or something?

DAVE:

Inside THAT shithole?

OLLIE:

Well, could be fun, couldn't it? At least it worth a try.

PHIL:

Stop it... I'm dying of laughter here.

OLLIE:

At least it worked THIS time.

DAVE:

So who's going first?

PHIL:

You must be kidding..

DAVE:

No, I'm pretty sure about it.

PHIL:

So. why don't YOU start then...

DAVE:

Okie. So... I start counting to ten then, that should do the trick. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10... ready or not, I'm coming. Wow, you're really gone. How the hell did you do that? ..... Right, you're not in or under the bed, so come out of the closet then...

PHIL/

OLLIE:

How do you know?

PHIL:

Is it so obvious?

OLLIE

Johnny, we ARE in the closet, but I guess it's out now...

PHIL:

Oh, dear....

DAVE:

It's not the end of the world. You see, I'm playing for the same team.

OLLIE:

You're pulling our legs, aren't you?

DAVE:

No, I'm not. Isn't that great that WE of all the men in the army sharing a room?

PHIL:

Uncanny, really.

Well, that sounds like one day we gonna have a three... Right kids. You see everyone can join the army and maybe be a hero one day.