Scripts and Legz  Akimbo Theatre Company © TLoG

OLLIE:

OK, everybody. Thanks very much. Um... Good morning! We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company. Um..., some of you may remember us from a couple of Christmases age. We did "White Chocolate", a play about racism. And we're back in your school to present our new piece on sexuality, called "Everybody Out!". My name is Ollie Plimsolls, by the way. And I'll, er.., I'll get all your names in a minute, because there are far too many of you. This is....

PHIL:

Phil.

OLLIE:

And...

DAVE:

Dave.

PHIL:

And as Ollie explained today we'll do some forum work on sexuality.

OLLIE:

That's right. Can't I just say, before we start, we will actually be losing Phil at the end of the month.

DAVE:

What?

OLLIE:

Yeah. It's very sad to see him go, but he's been plucked for stardom. He's now a proper actor, so we're releasing him from his contract. And he's going off to do telly and radio and all sorts of exciting things.

DAVE:

When did that happen?

PHIL:

Last week.

OLLIE:

So remember that face, cause next time you see him on the telly you'll be able to say: "Here, mum, I know him. He came to our school, he was in that good play about issues with that Legz-a-what's-it theatre company. I liked him in that, the writing was really good. But he's out of his depth in this. He's rubbish in this. Turn it off, mum, I don't want to watch it."

PHIL:

Thanks, Ollie.

DAVE:

Who was the casting director?

PHIL:

Paul. Paul Alexander.

DAVE:

That old queen, how did you...? Oh, right.

OLLIE:

Make room for the little fat one. That's it. OK, who's got a secret? Who's got a really great secret only they know about?

DAVE:

I have.

PHIL:

Dave...

OLLIE:

Who's got a secret that they don't think they can tell anyone else ever? What kind of secret would that be, I wonder. Any ideas? No? What about if you stole something, did a crime? That would be a secret, wouldn't it? Or you smoke. You're a secret smoker, you take off for a quick fag behind the bike shed. Yeah, great. But what about if you are gay? There's a few giggles. But hands up who's gay. I'm not. It's a hard one, isn't it, a hard one to admit to. But I bet you there are some gays in this room.

DAVE:

There's at least one that I know of.

OLLIE:

Sexuality is a very broad church, you know. It's like anything else that's... that's like that. Tolerance is very important.

PHIL:

Yeah. And this is what a lot of people often forget. Gays are just ordinary, normal healthy guys.

OLLIE:

Dykes on the other hand are evil.

DAVE:

Ollie?

OLLIE:

Picture a scene. It's last Thursday afternoon, you arrive home early to find your wife Linda in bed with another man.

PHIL:

Ollie, let's do some....

OLLIE:

But you look again and see it's not actually a man. It's a big fat lezzer wearing MY slippers, smoking MY pipe. Don't touch me, you poof!

DAVE:

Do you want to take a break?

OLLIE:

I'm fine... Where was I? Tolerance! Understanding! You have to talk to work things out. I spoke with my wife Linda. Apparently I'm not man enough for her, so now she's living with a female Geoff Capes. Which is fine, it's a process, and understanding people is all part of the hidden horrors of relationships.

PHIL:

Look, Ollie...

OLLIE:

I'm not going back there! Big bitches!

DAVE:

Ollie...?

OLLIE:

Right, any questions?

DAVE:

Are you OK, Ollie?

OLLIE:

I'm fine.

DAVE:

Don't forget the music in the disco scene.

OLLIE:

I'm fine.

PHIL:

When mum said I was artistic, I thought she meant I was good at drawing. But then I always had been a sensitive kid. Even at school I knew I was different from the other boys. They was interested in football.

DAVE:

Yey!

PHIL:

And girl.

OLLIE:

Argh!

PHIL:

But I liked books and dolls.

DAVE:

Poof!

OLLIE:

Queen!

DAVE:

Mary

OLLIE:

Homo!

DAVE:

Nancy!

OLLIE:

Linda...

PHIL:

I used to walk the streets for hours thinking about what me pals had said. What was wrong with me? Why was I different? That's when I saw it. The nightclub Gloria's. I pushed open the door, went inside and danced the night away. Danced the night away.

OLLIE:

All right! All right!

Hey, I haven't seen you before.

PHIL:

I'm not gay.

OLLIE:

That's cool. I'm not judging you. We get all kinds in here. Gays, straights. Lesbians!

DAVE:

Ollie!

OLLIE:

Gloria's is a fun place, as long as you're careful and over 18. See ya!

PHIL:

I left Gloria's that night with me head spinning. I couldn't wait to tell all me pals. Then I realised. How could I tell them? I felt like I was on trial at the blooming Old Bailey's

DAVE:

Will the court now rise for his honour Judge Society.

OLLIE:

Johnny, you stand accused of being gay. How do you plead?

PHIL:

Not guilty. No, guilty! Oh, why are you judging me?

OLLIE:

What about Aids?... Stop! Stop!

PHIL:

It did seem like a nightmare at first, but that was a few weeks ago.

DAVE:

You're hurting me.

OLLIE:

Put me down

PHIL:

But then, just like in one of this old fashion fairy tales, we all lived happily ever after. And me, I'm happy with who I am and what I am. If people don't like that, they can go kill themselves, like mum did. Come on, kids! Get clapping. The moral of this story...

OLLIE:

The moral of the story is that being normal in the life won't get you anywhere. Look at Phil, he's just got a great part on telly. Not because he's talented, he's not. But because he bums the director. Yeah, Phil, I'm not stupid. Other people like me and Dave we plod on, working...

DAVE:

Don't Ollie.

OLLIE:

What?! I'm telling them how dedicated we are!

DAVE:

I'm leaving Legz Akimbo.

OLLIE:

What?!

DAVE:

I've had enough. If Phil's going, I'm going.

OLLIE:

Why are you doing this, Dave?

DAVE:

I just can't stand you, Ollie. I'm sorry.

OLLIE:

Great. Excuse me a moment. I think I'm gonna be sick.